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28 February 2009 @ 06:49 pm
[Reply to this comment each time you call Alec for an actual conversation, as opposed to just leaving a message]

"Yeah, this is Alec."
25 February 2009 @ 02:45 am
This is Alec. I'm not answering, so leave me a message. Later.
I was good at what I did. Always. I never failed a mission, except once. Part of me wishes that I hadn't failed. That I hadn't gotten close.
Then I hate myself for wanting it.
I was too human for Manticore, and not human enough now. Trust me, I get reminded of the fact constantly, even though Manticore is nothing but ashes now. Like when I meet the ever wonderful Pulse. He was the medic who treated me after...it happened. He saw that I had failed. Failed Manticore and everything I was supposed to be. I lived through it though. I did what I had to do. Learn to not fail again. Learn to quit caring about anyone but me.
Really it was Rachel who I failed. I wasn't human enough for her, and now she's dead because of it. I don't want that to happen to anyone else.
Now Lex comes along, constantly screwing with my head. I told her that I can't get involved. I try to block her out and it just doesn't work. She started to...I don't know. Get to me I guess. I started to think that maybe what was happening was..different.
She got kind of choked up when we were working in the underground the other day over her friends, and I thought I did a good job of making her know that she was wanted here. Then she comes on to me, so naturally I reciprocated. I was stupid to do it because I knew that it would just turn me around to where I'd been. And of course I was right.
So then I go in to check up on Sari, maybe talk to Tyr, and she's there. This is fine. Good actually. I wanted to see. That was my first mistake.
Then of course everyone's favorite hero, Pulse walks in. Yeah the same guy who was practically having sex with Jondy in the Underground. I don't care about that.
In my defense I didn't know that Sari had been shutting herself up. I didn't. For him to go tattle to Max on me for trying to cut the kid a break? For actually trying to do something nice? Yeah I kinda thought that was a jerk way to act, but whatever. If Tyr agreed then I guess it was no big deal.
But I came back in the room Pulse has his music crap up and is mixing Lex's songs. Now either she sang for him, or she gave him her cd. The one with 'Fever' on it.
So I called her on it. She didn't even say anything.
Fine. Whatever. This is what I get. I know better than this, but I did it anyway. There. I have officially learned from my mistake. Besides this is a good thing. She should hate me. Then I can go on not caring about it and survive. It's what I do best. Right?
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: Everybody's Fool - Evanescence
So I went to do the undercover op with Lex, Jinx, and Libra. Though Libra and Jinx were there mostly to celebrate their engagement. Yeah, it sounds stupid to me, but what can you do? At least she's, you know. Happy and stuff. Then everything went to hell.
The bastard mob guys took Lex, and she protected herself. She should have, I know that. And I'd even seen her kill before, when 410 took over. I'd never seen Lex do it though. I'll admit, it was kinda weird. Then we got back to her apartment and she explained why she was so...there when she did it. I never was. I couldn't be or it would be too much. Maybe that's how I do everything.
Well anyway, to pay for this little scheme Lex sold her violin. The one she'd grown up with. I'm not a classical fan, not anymore, but I know how much that means to Lex. So here I am, at three o'clock in the morning just leaving her apartment because I managed to find that violin and steal it back.
I'm on my way back to Sketchy's now, but I don't know if I can sleep. I need to go to TC or The Underground tomorrow, do something with myself. Hell, I may skip going to Sketchy's and head there anyhow. Yeah, that sounds better.
The one thing I will admit to envying Max of? That she doesn't need to sleep as much as I do. She can go with only a couple hours a night at the most from what I understand. I usually go with about four, but that can seem like a hell of a lot longer when you've got things you'd rather not dream about. Talk about your fucking catch 22. If I don't care, I'm no better than Ben. If I do, I have to deal with the ghosts that come with it.
Boo. Bring on the night.
Current Mood: restlessrestless
Current Music: Somewhere a Clock is Ticking - Snow Patrol
I wish she could make this easier. Lex and I can't be like that. We've talked about it, and she gets that now I think. But she flirts and there are moments when I think maybe she wants to try finishing what we started in her apartment. But she doesn't understand. I'm not the guy she thinks I am.
She's seen the Alec that will save her when 410 shows it's face, the Alec that helps run Terminal City, the one who can cut people out without thinking twice. 410 was a program and a small part of her. I've been X5-494 my whole life. There is no remission for it. The things I've done weren't a subconcious program I had no control over. It's who I am...mixed with my own personal Alec style of course.
So this is the best way, and she needs to let this idea that there is any hope for it to change go.
Current Mood: indifferentindifferent
Current Music: Unknown Soldier - Breaking Benjamin
Lex wanted more from me than I could give her. I told her that up front. She's better off, and I'm thinking that maybe she's starting to see that. I hate that. I don't want to be wrong for her, I just am. It's life. And now it's affecting the only life I have left.
I have to oversee housing at the Underground. Max is in heat so she's out and I'm basically in charge down there. I have to be the one to tell people what needs done. Every Manticore escapee knows how it has to be. The probelem is she isn't one. So she doesn't realize what's expected of her.
This isn't a joke, it's war. I can afford to let my feelings get in the way, and she's going to have to learn that she can't either. So she's going to have to deal with working with me and mine, or I'm going to have to pull the 2IC card. Actually it's 1IC with Max being out now, until she gets back.
I do hate that she's being the way she is. I'm just trying to help her damn it! I wish she would get it. I can't afford...I can't afford to let anything happen to her. The rate she's going though, it won't be my fault if something does. She's just so damn stubborn. Like me. Stupid, poision, me.
Libra's been my friend since Manticore. She's not happy with Lex. I've got to talk to her, explain that the only reason I was like that to her was so she'd understand. Lenz knew. If she'd quit being so arguementative she'd see we're more friends than soldiers now. I was raised a soldier though, we all were, and it's all we know.
Except Lex of course.
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: Cold - Crossfade
I don't understand it. Really. She wants me around, and that's my fault. Lex. Damn it. No, this is her fault. She should know better. I told her that I don't do relationships. I told her that I'm wrong for her. I told her she needs someone who can give her what she needs. I'm not that guy. Yet she doesn't want anyone else. And if truth be told, I don't want her to want anyone else. The thought just...
See? That's what this is doing. It's screwing me up, the way I think. Hell, I was already screwed up, but now I'm just confused. I hate that.
The worst part? I can't do to her like I do every other chick I hook up with. Call her a "beautiful and unique creature," charm her, be all that she wants, and when I'm done, cut her off. She never falls for it. She does that weird empathy thing where she seems to see straight into me. I don't like it. I'm comfortable just being as I've always been, and now she has to come along.
I don't know how to feel like this. I'm not able to do it right, and that would only hurt her. I said as much, but for some reason I can't wrap my mind around, she isn't giving up on me. I guess I haven't been trying hard enough. I didn't exactly have time with her program trying to take her over.
Now things are going to get back to normal even if I die trying. I'm going to Terminal City to take up my job as 2IC again, and give Jondy a reprieval. She's been cool about the whole thing, but Lenz has to be driving her nuts by now. Not to mention that Scale has been going hard on the X6's from what I hear. I've got to get him in check. Max is doing a good job, but I want to be there to keep an eye on him too.
Yeah. See, I can do this. Just go on and Lex can too. Should anyhow. I can't help but think about what she said to me this morning though. What got me the most? She told me she wasn't a mission, and that when she kissed me she forgot the world. I was thinking the same thing. When I'm with her, all I want is to be Alec with Lex.
The thing is I don't know how to be.
Current Location: On my way to Terminal City
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: This Animal I Have Become - Three Days Grace
25 March 2007 @ 03:22 am
I'm fine. I'm doing my job at Terminal City. It's even gotten to the point where Max has trusted me enough to be her 2IC. That's huge. I won't let them down. But no matter what, I've been Alec. I don't have relationships that last for more than a week. After that it just gets complicated. And who the hell am I to even try? My only girlfriend didn't even know my real name(though I didn't even have one then), and ended up dead. Because of me. I have no illusions about that.
I don't get close. Why can't I keep it up with Lex? I don't know what it is about her. I didn't feel this with Asha, but she came close. Lex makes me lose control a little.
I cannot let that happen.
So here's what I'm thinking. Maybe just a few mindless times with her, and I can go on like I used to. We'd be done. I can go on my way and she could hers.
So why is that thought so damn disappointing? Why do I feel like this? She..
Okay fine. It's not that she's beautiful. You probably think so, but it's not. It's the way she looks at me. The way she can make me feel like I'm almost okay. She cuts through whatever game I throw at her. She's smart, and perceptive. And I'll be damned before I let her get the better of me.
Sorry Lex, but this is a game you won't win. Even if I give, you wouldn't be winning. You'd be signing your death warrent. That's what happens when I get close. Friends or Lovers, that's just how it goes. Maybe it's selfish, but I don't care. Got it? I don't care. I never do. I can't care because I remember well what caring makes you do.
And I can't go through that again.
Current Location: On the Road with Lex
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
Current Music: U & Ur Hand - Pink
05 March 2007 @ 06:04 am
Seriously, I don't know what the hell he was thinkin'. Yeah, I can understand how Max could be attracted to me, and as far as looks go, she doesn't exactly suck, but us? Together? Wouldn't that be a sign of the apocolypse? Yeah, we were breeding partners at Manticore because we had to be, but nothing ever happened even then. So we're back to why the hell would Logan think there's something going on now?
I can see where he's coming from. All computer-geeked out, no sense of humor, can't touch her, and she has me around...jealousy would be damn near impossible. But I was, trying to help, believe it or not.
Anyhow he pulled me from Crash, where I was just starting to get my game on with that Lex chick, (who by the way, I think works with the S1W). Well that wouldn't have worked anyway. Asha came in. For some reason when she's around...I don't know. She and I aren't together or anything. But there isn't nothing between us. I mean, Asha and I aren't even like that....Wait did I actually just say that? God, I'm starting to sound like Max. The subeject, I happen to digressing from.
She's like- like annoying older sister. Or cousin. Yeah, that's better. We fight, and we still, you know..are there. Especially now with everyone trying to kill us off.
Just another reason I should stay as far as I can away from Asha. She's in too much danger when she's around me. She's tough, but she can't take care of herself the way Max and I can. See? The reasons to stay away keep piling up. And I can only think of one reason not to.
Anyway I'm going to head down to the Underground. Logan got me and my 'twin' Max procured for me to get the witness off my ass out of the police database, but I'm not taking any chances. I need to find a new place, and the Underground may have something. It's worth looking into anyway.
So to sum, Logan's the stupidest genius I've ever met, Max is the annoying older cousin I never had, things with Asha are weird, and I'm practically homeless.
If Manticore wasn't burned down already, today I'd do it myself.
Current Mood: crankycranky
Current Music: The Kill - 30 Seconds to Mars
24 February 2007 @ 02:03 am
Well, where do I start? Should I tell you my name? Alec. That's it. When I was in Manticore my designation was X5-494. It took me along time to figure which I liked more. At Manticore I had a mission, I knew who I was. I was a soldier. I was an integral part of a unit. I didn't have to ask questions, or wander around looking for my purpose in life. My superiors had always told me. But I guess I started to ask questions the night Manticore burned down, and when they tried to kill the survivors that made it out.
After a while I got used to the idea of living outside. I liked be able to do what I wanted and not having to follow orders all the time. It wasn't easy though. I didn't know who the hell I was anymore. I wasn't X5-494 anymore. I adopted the name Alec. That's what Max called me when we first met. Like in 'smart alec'.
We had kind of a bad start, Max and I. But in my defense, I was following orders. That was what I was trained to do. So I let her escape and infect Logan with the virus. And I might have screwed up a few times afterwards, but I learned fast you have to do what you have to do to survive. So I did. Besides she kicked my ass enough times for it.
But whatever, that's over with now. I like being here. Now White and those breeding cult freaks want to turn everyone against us, and are doing a real good job of it. Most of the humans in this world hate us, see us as abberations. Expendable. That's crap. There isn't another Alec, so if you waste this one, you're screwed.
Seriously ask my...friends I guess. They're more Max's than mine. I was actually surprised after all the crap I did she didn't kill me. Let alone allowed me to keep living the life I was. Working at Jam Pony with her, and being around 'her' people. But I save her ass too, so I guess we're even. Anyway these friends, Sketchy, OC, the rest of the Jam Pony crew, were surprisingly...okay. There are other people too, like Logan and Asha. Though I wouldn't consider us friends. Logan because he's a -tight ass-save the world-holds a grudge for longer than it's worth- kind of guy. That one I let Max handle. But we talk. Kind of.
Asha. She's different. Not someone I just hang out with like Sketchy, or help do things with like Max. She's not my girlfriend by any means. I tried that once...and well, let's just say the life expectancy for anyone I get serious with is too short for me, so I don't get serious. But Asha isn't one of those girls you just pick up in a club either. I'm still working on what to do with her. The best idea is to keep my distance, and I've been doing a good job of it. The world knows about us now. Things are different. She's in more danger from me, so I have to.
Uh huh, everyone knows what I am now. Not just a hot, charasmatic guy, but a genetically engineered one. So we're at war. Feels just like home. I don't know whether that's a good thing or not yet. I'll get back to you on that one.
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
Current Music: Open Your Eyes - Guano Apes